Old FURIOUS nads! by The One True b!X

The Mysteries of Twin Peaks: Thoughts, Ruminations, and Research
by Christopher Frankonis

Just after midnight on November 11, 1990, I wrote the following in my journal: “Tonight I am going to try to dream of BOB. I am going to try to let my unconscious mind piece together information and sensations from Twin Peaks and see if I can come up with anything.” Earlier, on Saturday night, the killer of Laura Palmer was revealed to be the BOB-possessed Leland Palmer, her father. I fell asleep listening to the Twin Peaks soundtrack.

The dream:

I’m in a cafe, sort of outdoors. I hear talking about some woman using a weird bank account to buy strange things. I keep trying to leave, but new things happen outside. Glows and other things. I am embarrassed that I keep returning every time something happens. I think that people are laughing at me, but I have to come back. The cafe becomes one side of the brick-floored, outdoor mall area of my college. More and more people are coming out to sit along the edge.

Out on the mall, by Henry Moore’s “Large Two Forms.” People are heading off toward the dorms to play the electric guitar. My friend Jack and I are listening, with the crowd, to the music from Twin Peaks that is floating in the air. Jack becomes Leland Palmer, and we become the only two people who can hear the music. He cries. I comfort him. I try to get him to come with me toward the source of the sound, but he won’t. It hurts him. “In here?” I ask him, pointing at my head. “In here,” he responds, pointing to his own.

I am out on a dark road. Leland is with me. Cars pass, right to left, along an intersecting road up ahead. Voices from inside them. I’m acting like events are happening for the second time. I know what’s next. The passengers in the cars are yelling things I’ve heard them yell before. That’s how I know what’s next. I’m waiting for the right car. Off to one side, a woman is killing herself. “Just another normal night in Twin Peaks,” I think to myself.

I turn left onto the intersecting road. Leland is no longer with me. I am approaching another left. Cars are turning onto it. One car turns onto the road, but I don’t see it continue on the other side of a large bush. As I approach the road, the car is coming out again, having somehow turned around. For some reason, I remember that the first time this happened, the car didn’t turn around and come out, allowing me to attack. There is a man driving the car, a woman in the passenger seat.

I scream something and run towards the car, breaking through the side window as I lunge toward the woman.

I woke up, feeling that at the end of the dream, as I stalked the car, I was playing BOB. That was why Leland had disappeared: BOB had left him for me.

Foward into December. On December 4, I wrote the following: “On this past Saturday’s Twin Peaks, Leland Palmer was caught, BOB left him, and Leland died. Upon Harry’s asking “Where’s BOB now?” we were shown a strange, off-color scene in a ditch that began with a crashed car, its windshield broken.” This made me recall my dream, in which I thought I was BOB as I crashed through the window of a car.

That night, I tried to re-dream that dream, in the hopes off seeing and hearing things I hadn’t caught the first time. What were the voices in the cars saying? What did I scream as I crashed into the car window? I didn’t succeed. But I did have a dream that included the following words:

“Hell isn’t open just for those being sent there, it’s open to anyone who wants to join.”

End of excerpt.

Philippine locations enhance this melodrama centering on a women’s rehabilitation compound.

1. Pam Grier wearing a slinky red dress into women’s prison.
2. Margaret Markov being eyed by a guard, as another guard calls out, “Okay, strip ‘em and get ‘em wet!”
3. “If she digs you, things in here can be a Hell of a lot easier.”
4. The matron wears very very short and very very yellow shorts.
5. They are dubbing over the swearing.
6. The matron is wiping her nose on the other matron’s hair.
7. Now all the prisoners are wearing very very short and very very yellow shorts.
8. Pam Grier is starting a food fight with Margaret Markov.
9. Girl fight! Girl fight! Yellow shorts everywhere!
10. “You’ve been asking for it. A day in the oven. A terrorist and a hooker. You two should have lots to talk about.”
11. Pam Grier and Margaret Markov, naked in the oven, bumping into each other.
12. They’re blurring out the boobs.
13. Pam Grier and Margaret Markov chained together for transport to maximum security in the city.
14. Guerrillas attacking the prison bus! Pam Grier and Margaret Markov attack the matron with the chain!
15. Funky escape music!
16. Are those dresses or slightly-long t-shirts?
17. “We’re trying to set this island free! What the Hell, you’re black, don’t you understand that?!”
18. Girl fight! GIrl fight! Yellow t-shirt dresses everywhere! Slap! Slap!
19. Lavender underpants showing!
20. Oh, man. This movie is only half an hour old.
21. Are those nuns men?
22. Nope, women. Pam Grier and Margaret Markov just attacked them and stole their habits.
23. They are hitching a ride with an alcoholic trucker.
24. Now this fat bad guy seems to be shocking some woman, but they aren’t showing it so I’m not certain.
25. The alcoholic truck driver just crashed, and now can see the chain holding Pam Grier and Margaret Markov together.
26. “What’s that?” “It’s a charm bracelet!” *punch*
27. Happy flower-carrying nuns who are really escaped women prisoners music!
28. Still nuns, Pam Grier and Margaret Markov ride the bus… and some real nuns board!
29. “You screw up this deal for me, I’ll kill you!” *dirty look from real nuns*
30. Roadblock! Busted! Escape! Hit the cop with a guitar!
31. Fake nuns showing leg as they run!
32. Fake nuns no more. Aborted girl fight! Back to yellow t-shirt dresses.
33. Pam Grier and Margaret Markov find a cabin in the woods with naked people inside.
34. But all they do is steal food.
35. The fat bad guy has women with blurry breasts.
36. Pam Grier and Margaret Markov find tools to cut the chain! But also, a sleeping sleazy man.
37. “I like schoolgirls!”
38. Sleazy man knows who they are and wants the reward. Paws at Margaret Markov. “You’re going to be nice to Luis?”
39. Sleazy man attacks! Margaret Markov knees him! Pam Grier kills him!
40. Margaret Markov says, “Shit!” But it’s dubbed out.
41. Set fire to the work shack! Burn the body! Run away, still chained!
42. Pam Grier and Margaret Markov chased through woods by dogs. Another shack! With a puppy!
43. Margaret Markov takes off her underpants! Puts them on the puppy and scares it off into the woods!
44. Underpants puppy nabbed by guerrillas. Underpants recognized. “By sight or smell?”
45. Pam Grier and Margaret Markov find a boat, but a drunk rock-throwing guy is guarding it.
46. Margarte Markox lures him with her giggling and lack of underpants.
47. Margaret Markov, even.
48. Stand-off between guerrillas and bad guys!
49. Is that Bill Richardson in fatigues?
50. Guerrilla Bill Richardson and Lanky Hat Guy chase each other slowly through hanging laundry. Tense!
51. Guerrilla Bill Richardson wins!
52. Pam Grier and Margaret Markov, on the other side of the river, pick and eat hanging fruit.
53. Margaret Markov sees her guerrillas! Reunited! Guerrilla Bill Richardson shoots off the chain.
54. “We wanted to return this.” Margaret Markov has underpants again!
55. Fat Bad Guy sets a trap at the boat Pam Grier is heading towards.
56. Gay Vest Bad Guy struts around the docks.
57. Oh, he’s Gay Vest Guerrilla, arriving with the other guerrillas.
58. Pam Grier and Margaret Markov have real clothes again. Guerrillas wondering where everyone is. Trap!
59. “Smells like an ambush.”
60. Pam Grier and Margaret Markov look dreamily at each other for goodbye.
61. Gunfight! Hey, wait, did one bad guy just shoot another bad guy via bad aim?
62. Guerrilla Bill Richardson sneaks around back. Pam Grier escapes deadly blast! Random white guy with Pam has a gun!
63. Pam Grier gets to the boat with random white guy! MARGARET MARKOV IS SHOT THROUGH THE CHEST!
64. Guerrilla Bill Richardson discovers Margaret Markov is dead! Sad. Shoots and blows up orange jeep of bad guys!
65. Boat escapes! Cops arrive! Guerrilla Bill Richardson escapes into alleys!
66. Cops and civilians look at dead bad bodies, now all conveniently lined up in a row. Head cop sees dead Margaret Markov.
67. “I’ll be a major before dinner.”

End of movie.